Today is my birthday and I am giving a gift to myself. I actually have been working on this gift for most of my life, and finally, in my late 40s, I’m starting to reap the benefits.
The gift is this: to love myself first. It sounds so simple but is not easy to do, at least for me. And when I discuss this idea with others, it resonates with almost everyone.
I love people big time. I actively seek the beauty within everyone I meet. I embrace others’ personal challenges as part of who they are, understanding that we are all wonderfully imperfect. One of my missions in life is to help others feel seen and valued in my presence so that our interactions, whether fleeting or ongoing, help them see the beauty in themselves. Yet, full disclosure, I am not always very good at doing this for myself.
- Do I embrace my challenges as an important part of who I am?
- Do I actively seek the beauty inside myself?
- Do I truly see myself, flaws and all, and value all the pieces of me?
Honestly? The answer to these questions is no. However, I am starting to learn to love myself in the same way I love others. You know how they say, “Hurt people hurt people”? Insecurity and lack of self-acceptance breed defensiveness, promote the blame game and can cause us to lash out. Fortunately, the opposite is true too. People who love themselves can better love others. And, as I embrace this next year of my life, I want to love deeper, live fuller, be healthier inside and out, and I know that key to making this happen is to love myself first.
I feel most anxious and am hardest on myself when I fear that I’ve disappointed someone or that someone might be upset with me. I am forty-freakin’-eight now and I still worry about people being mad at me. I guess that is one of my wonderfully imperfect things and is a refection of how much I care for others. Lately, when I feel my anxiety or worry bubbling to the surface, I’ve adopted a strategy that is working better than anything else I’ve tried.
When I feel anxious, I pause and take a few deep breaths and say to myself, “Love yourself first.” It is a reminder to embrace all the parts of me, even the parts that may have led to someone’s upset. I will reflect and grow and always strive to do better, but I am done doing that from a place of self-loathing. I am going to become a better version of myself while loving the current version.
I am still in the skill-development phase of loving myself first. I actually think that I will always be a work-in-progress with this, and will need to continue to develop strategies that help me remember to pause and love myself first. This birthday gift will need to be a gift that keeps on giving, but I am making progress with leaning into all the pieces of me instead of trying to hide from some of them. And, this selfish act is actually not selfish at all, because I am better to everyone when I am better to myself.
Self love is an ocean and your heart is a vessel. Make it full, and any excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. But you must come first.
-Beau Taplin
